


It's always you

by pearlsandsteel



Category: The Wayhaven Chronicles (Interactive Fiction)
Genre: Death, F/F, Love Letters, Mention of blood, and drowning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:01:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28051323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pearlsandsteel/pseuds/pearlsandsteel
Summary: I keep on dancing for you, like a little ballerina, toes bloody and ballet slippers tied like chains, waiting for you to put me out of my misery, to take my hand and join me in my dance. But you’re not following my steps, you just keep watching and I keep dancing and dancing, the audience leaves but I keep dancing, until I’m all alone on an empty stage, until my slippers are danced through and my toes are swollen and bruised, until my broken and mutilated feet give in and I crash to the ground, unable to ever dance again.
Relationships: Female Detective/Ava du Mortain
Kudos: 10





	It's always you

Dear Ava,

I have this recurring dream, I wake up in the middle of the ocean, nothing but masses and masses of blue around me, as far as I can see, til the edge of the horizon, nothing but water - and I’m drowning. I don’t know why or how I got there, I don't know what is pulling me down, all I know is that no matter how much I fight against it, I keep getting dragged down. I get pulled under water, everything around me blurs, the water rustles in my ears - and all I can see, all I can hear...is you.

You.

It’s always you.

I can’t breath, I’m dying and all I can think of is you. You know I always heard people say that when you die, your life rushes past you. I never believed it, how would they know if they have never died before?

Perhaps you have to be farther at the edge because as I was bleeding out in your arms I didn’t see my whole life, I saw three months. I saw a group of people stepping into my office, I saw green eyes I met with a smile before they snapped away. I saw a scarf wrapped around my shoulders before a voice interrupted, I saw golden waves spilling over broad shoulders before a door was shut. I saw these green eyes again, worry evident in them, and for the first time I was not pushed away as I reached out, instead I was pulled closer, it is something I’ve been chasing ever since.

I expected to see my whole life - but all I saw were three months, all I saw were emerald eyes, all I saw was you. It’s always you.

So it doesn’t surprise me that when I’m dying in my dreams - it’s you too. I see every moment with you slip past me and all I can think of are all the things I don’t see, all the things I did not experience with you. I do not see you in my arms, I do not see you waking up next to me, I do not see you leaning down to kiss me, I do not see your lips forming to confess your love - I see you, but I do not see us.

Because as you so insistently state again and again - as if I could ever forget, as if I’m not painfully aware of it every second of every day - there is no us. There is you and then there’s me, yearning, longing, begging and pleading for your love, always running after you, always chasing this moment we had when I was dying in your arms, of not being pushed away. I keep chasing and chasing and in the process I bend and break myself, I torture my heart and with every new attempt, with every time you push and pull away again, I lose a part of myself, you take it from me until one day...there is nothing left.

You take and take and take - and I give and give and give. And I want to give, to give you my heart, my love, my time - me, all of me. I’m standing here, offering you everything which you seem to gladly take, but I get nothing in return, you give me nothing to fill the holes you left. You took my heart, but I did not get yours in return so now I have nothing to beat in my chest, all I have is a gaping wound. I gave you all my love, I gave you everything and all I’m asking for is a little, just a little love in return, just enough to survive. But you give nothing and still I keep on chasing and bending for you.

I keep on dancing for you, like a little ballerina, toes bloody and ballet slippers tied like chains, waiting for you to put me out of my misery, to take my hand and join me in my dance. But you’re not following my steps, you just keep watching and I keep dancing and dancing, the audience leaves but I keep dancing, until I’m all alone on an empty stage, until my slippers are danced through and my toes are swollen and bruised, until my broken and mutilated feet give in and I crash to the ground, unable to ever dance again.

To ever love again. To love anyone but you.

I don’t think I’ve ever loved before, not like this, not the way I love you. I need you more than water, I need you more than air to breathe. If I had to give it up for you, I would, without hesitation. Let me drown in your love, let me suffocate on it. Let it fill my mouth, pour down my throat, possess my whole body, let me feel it in every fiber, in every drop of blood.

I would give up sleep, I don’t need dreams when all I could ever wish for becomes reality in your arms.

I would give up my life for you because I’ve never felt more alive than I do with you and without you I feel dead, like a corpse wandering through the dark, my heart ripped from my chest, the light at the end slowly fading.

I love you and I want - need to say it. When I see you these words rise in my throat, threatening to suffocate me, they burn in my mouth and still I do my best to swallow them back down. I have to say them, but I know you’re not ready to hear them and the moment I’d let them out you would run for the hills, would push me even farther away. But they keep coming back up, the pressure keeps rising and they want to spill from me like lava, ready to demolish everything in their way. And I don’t know for how much longer I can keep the volcano from erupting, so instead of saying them, I write them down, again and again I pour my love into these letters before I lock them away. And I can’t help wondering, do you have such a drawer too, full of letters you will never send, full of words you will never say?

Do you long to say, to hear them the same way I do? Do they haunt your dreams? Do they echo in your head? They do in mine, they’re all I can hear.

I love you, Ava.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you and that’s all I can do. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't breath. All I can do is love and love and give. I love you and I'm so tired, so hungry and so out of breath. I feel like I'm walking on the edge, stumbling towards the cliff. I'm about to fall, about to shatter on the ground and all I'm asking for is a thin threat to hold on to, to keep me from falling. All I'm asking for is a little, just a little love.

I'm about to pass out, starve and choke to my death and all I'm asking for is something, anything, to keep me alive. Just a single night of rest, these few minutes of sleep you grant me are not enough. Just a single bite, these gnawed off bones you throw at my feet are not enough. Just one breath, the air I’m holding in my lungs is not enough. It's not enough, I need more. I need you. You are a hundred years of sleep, you are a whole feast and the clearest sea air.

So sate me. Sate my mind with sleep, my stomach with food, my lungs with air, my heart with love. Sate me, love me.

Love me, Ava. Love is not something that can be done alone, it cannot grow and flourish, it just burns and destroys, it’s heat is too much for one alone. So please, share this fire with me, these flames are eating me alive, I can’t handle it alone, I’m almost turned to ash.

Love me - there’s no one else that could do it, there’s no one else I could love. There’s no one else, there’s only you.

It’s you. It’s always you. As I’m dying on the floor, as blood pours from my body - it’s you. As the masses of water close around me, as the pressure in my head builds - it’s you. As the fire eats me alive, as the flames turn me to ash - it’s you. It’s always you and it always will be you, forever, til the moment I die. And as I’m dying - it’s you and I’m afraid even after that, after my soul has long left my body, after there’s nothing left of me but bones and dirt - it’s still you. My heart will still long and ache for you, even after it long crumbled to dust.

Because it’s you, Ava.

Always you.

Only you.

Forever you.

It’s you.

You.

You.

You.

...will there ever be an us?


End file.
